One Week – Beans

I have surgery in a week, and just for fun, I had PMS for the past week! I don’t think it’s fair at all that they let me have one last period. I mean, what’s the point of a period if you can’t have kids???

I’m honestly falling apart. I’m heartbroken and oh boy do I need to cry. I don’t even know WHY I need to cry. I need to feel like someone is really there for me, will help me get through this, will listen to me be upset and help me find my strength.

I’m sick to death of being strong and having it all together. Can I just be a woman please? Can I just be weak for a few minutes please? I spent all weekend taking care of myself, getting things ready, and there is still so much left to do. I can’t get ready in the time I have. But mostly, I can’t get my mind ready.

Spring break! Mom style. – Beans

It is spring break this week. First of all, thank you to the University for scheduling Spring Break the week of my younger son’s 15th birthday! That gave me time to give him all the attention he could stand, and maybe a little more!

Over the break I have managed to celebrate my son’s birthday three times! 🙂 I have had two doctor’s appointments, I have an appointment at his school today and I go to meet with his therapist tomorrow. It’s pretty much all about him this week! That and scheduling my surgery. I am waiting for a call right back about when that will be right now. Yikes. The end of the month would be good. That would be after group presentations, after the first day of Spring, after St. Patrick’s Day but still soon enough for me to be able to see my son’s show in early May. I can hope! Yikes, waiting for a call that will come “soon” is a little nerve wracking.

When my doctor did my ultra sound, so he would know what he was going to be working with, he said he was shocked I was still walking, that this had to have been going on for some time, and that he can’t believe I’m not in pain. Actually he thinks I am in pain and don’t realize it. Odd. I told him my tattoo artist says I have a high pain tolerance and he was kind of like… no shit! But anyway, he also said he isn’t surprised that I have been hurting after going to the gym so he doesn’t recommend that I go to the gym, at least not for a hard workout. Plus, Mom (former nurse) said that I’m probably tired because things are all messed up inside me. But I still feel like a bum for not going. He did warn me that one of these days I might start having the strong pain and have it not go away. That is why he wants me in for surgery soon.

Ch-ch-changes… (Beans)

Hey! They changed the way WordPress looks. Figures! This is what I get for taking such a long break!

So, it’s an odd time for me to get serious about reaching out to everyone again but there’s a reason. I’m about to have surgery. Big, bad surgery and not the elective type. I’m having a partial hysterectomy. Why does that belong on a blog about losing weight and keeping it off? Hey, it’s about friendship too and Jewels is worried sick about me! But there’s more to it than that. The risk of developing complex ovarian cysts and endometriosis increase if you are overweight and OH BOY was I overweight for a very loooong time! That increased risk doesn’t go away just as soon as you lose the weight. Nope, the longer you weigh too much, the longer your risk stays elevated. For me I guess we can call it permanent because I developed this right at the end of being overweight.

I’m sad because this means no more babies. I really secretly wanted to have another one, or maybe two. I mean, not super badly, but I liked having the option. I just kind of feel like it would be great to have kids with someone I’m better suited for and who is better suited for fatherhood. However, my ex-boyfriend (the cool one who told GNC I didn’t need to lose any weight) pointed out that I already have two perfect sons. Yeah, this is why I want to be his friend, he’s got those pretty awesome moments when his really big heart shines through and I can’t help but like him. He’s right, my kids may both be about six foot tall and more or less young men more than kids but damn they are perfect. Seriously. Not “perfect” perfect but exactly and totally awesomely perfect to me perfect and perfectly the way they are supposed to be.

In case you can’t tell, these boys of mine have really gotten it together. My younger son has really adapted well to his new school. He LOVES it! They LOVE him! I love everything! Seriously, teachers email me and tell me how much they love having him in class. He hasn’t blossomed, he has exploded into wonderfulness! All the pieces have come together and he takes my breath away. My older son has moved back in and suddenly, he’s responsible! He is working as a shift leader, full time! Really! I am also so proud of him! How did I get so blessed?

Weight loss? Okay, that’s another story. I haven’t lost the weight I put back on just yet. I am debating the gym daily because I am afraid I will hurt myself! But, I am eating better. I have broken up with the vending machines again, they are very sneaky and seductive with their candy and chocolate. As always, we started out with just low cal interactions but then it got more intense. I just had to cut them off again. I renewed my association with protein bars and portable fruit. Salad, sushi, ground turkey, buffalo and all my other favorite friendly foods are back in full force. No more lazy daisy eating whatever is around. It is hard to change for life but I do hard stuff well.

I also broke up with my cigarettes, yesterday. It’s been 36 hours and I don’t regret it at all, so far. I don’t know if it is permanent but I have to stop smoking for the surgery. If you stop smoking you have less risk of infection and are likely to recover better. I was going to put it off until the end of this semester but I am tired all the time!I think I just need to go ahead and get it done. So yesterday I gave my cigarettes a break up speech and tossed them into the trashcan.

If you are wondering WHY I “break up” with my bad habits it’s because I know that it is mostly about emotion for me. It is also about being in control of my own life. When the doctor told me last year that I HAD to quit smoking, it was wretched. If someone tells me I CAN’T eat something, well the first thought through my head will be “watch me!” I was always independent. My favorite feeling was freedom. It’s AMAZING my marriage lasted as long as it did! Being married is one thing, being married to a man who felt the need to control me, it was never going to work. So when I stop a bad habit, it has to be 100% my choice and on my terms. I give my bad habits break up speeches because it gives me an emotional resolution and permission to feel sad, even though I know it is what I want and very healthy for me. It works for me.

Hopefully, I will be able to come and share this journey with all of you more often. I know that weight loss is hard. Keeping it off is pretty darn hard too! I’m far from perfect but I know how to do it. I just have to be mindful of what is really important to me. Being able to go jump off the side of a boat and snorkel in the Caribbean at 80+ years old is so much more important to me than how ever many candy bars I could have eaten or cigarettes I could have smoked. I’m not a teen trying to prove I can do as I please and I’m not a wife trying to pretend like I can, I’m a woman living my life on my terms the best way I know how, and that’s pretty much as self-determined as a person can get.

It’s not just me! – Beans

In my random explorations of the internet I found a list of diet tips that work. And I have to tell you, I recommend following all of them! You find them at: http://www.msn.com/en-us/health/nutrition/8-wonky-weight-loss-strategies-that-work/ss-AA8WlvC#image=9

Sitting by the window instead of in a booth is kind of rough for me because at a table by the window is a really bad acoustic location and hinders my ability to hear the people I am dining with. It’s a conundrum. I have always been a supporter of frequent weighing (okay, daily) because it really helps me to remain accountable. Honestly, I have been really bad about doing it for a long time now and I am sitting here in my tight pants knowing I have let myself down. A lot. As far as the cereal thing goes, I would recommend that if you have to keep some sort of food on your counter because of cupboard space you keep canned fruits and veggies and other items that are either healthy or can’t be prepared quickly and easily out rather than anything you can grab and munch on. Easy access to food means more eating. As far as talking yourself out of eating, I have broken up with foods I can’t eat anymore. I gave the vending machine an entire speech when I first started losing weight. Soon, I will be having “the talk” with Twix because we have developed an unhealthy on again off again thing that just need to end 🙂

Recently I have been getting more serious about fighting weight gain. I am still down 100 lbs from where I started but, honestly, I refuse to go buy new clothes, again! So, I’m working on getting to the gym and using the peddles under my desk more. I go for walks with my friends rather than to the mall. (Which is also helping my budget) And I’m being mindful about what I eat. I am not going to beat myself up about the gain. I’ve been dedicating time and attention to other things and the balance got too far off. The thing about balancing is, sometimes it takes awhile to get it right.

I hope everyone is doing well and has a great day! Definitely try those tips, the ones I have tried all work and I fully intend to use the rest.

Body shaming – Beans

Body shaming is a really popular topic right now. It’s that whole, “the girl in the picture doesn’t even look like the girl in the picture” concept. I love my body, I really do. It is a great body and has done great things but I’m not comfortable in it. My arms are bad, they jiggle, which I HATE. And my tummy, although a totally normal tummy for all it’s been through, it just isn’t that pretty flat tummy we always see and hear about and it never will be.

I want to be perfect. But not really. It’s not really my body that upsets me. I just want to not be afraid of someone looking at me and thinking “gross”. If someone is seeing me naked, they have me in a very vulnerable position. I am not looking at their body and thinking it needs to change, at that point what I care about is their heart but men aren’t like that. A man is so much more visual. And so much more detailed. And it’s terrifying to be a woman with flaws that make me feel less than attractive and think about giving a man a chance to agree with me, to punish me by rejecting me because life has left it’s inevitable marks on me and I refuse to punish myself into some idea of perfection. To do so would wound my heart and my self and there is no perfection in doing that. I’d rather love myself as I am than become perfect through drastic, self-punishing measures.

I love my body, it’s been such a good sport and it has gotten so much stronger and healthier over the past few years. I can’t make my body so perfect that nobody could find a flaw in it. And I’m not willing to even try. I have met MY goals. My body has given me all that I asked of it. I love it and it’s awesome and beautiful as it is. Maybe I’m not ashamed of my body. Maybe I’m protective of it. Maybe what really upsets me is that somebody would look at my body, which I love and am proud of when left to my own devices, and find it not good enough. Maybe what would hurt isn’t that I am flawed in body but that another person would be so flawed in heart and mind.

Ah… break time!!!!!!! – Beans

None too soon the semester FINALLY ended! I’m back to focusing on my health and I have a few pounds to lose over the break but I’m excited to be able to focus on that! I also am going to work on my eating plan for next semester. I won’t lie, next semester is going to be busier than last. God help me. But, I’m going to do what I can to get ready for it. Eating better is at the top of my list. I wish I could say exercise is in there but I don’t see that happening. I am going to be on campus from 7 until 5 almost every day. That means I am away from home for about 13.5 hours ever day of the week, except Friday, without stepping foot in the gym. Unless I can get my boys to join in fun family gym time, it’s not happening. And even if I could, I doubt it would be every day. I am going to push for Friday, Saturday and Sunday gym time, maybe throw in Wednesday for a quick cardio between classes.

In the mean time, it’s almost my birthday!!!!!!!!! I will be twenty something or other.  (I’ll always be twenty something or other, I was 20+13 at one point! LOL) Actually I don’t really mind being 20+19 on Thursday, in a year I will be 20+20 which they say is perfect for vision and not too shabby for age. I have been finding pure white hairs on my head lately. It’s so weird and I’m excited about it. I know it will take years and years to grown in (it had better, someone PLEASE tell my kids that is NOT a challenge) but I hope it all goes pure white. I think it will be pretty! I’ll be like Elsa 🙂

Honestly, I’m pretty happy with my life right now. I don’t care much about my weight. It is pretty stable. I don’t mind weighing a little more if I have to focus on classes and not the gym. I know I have to go to the gym to keep that last ten pounds off. Or find a more active job.

My oldest son has been losing weight too! He is looking a lot healthier than he has in years. I am super proud of him. I just wish he’d go to the gym more! I know he feels really good about being able to lose weight and he feels a lot better physically too.

Still too busy… – Beans

Well, what a crazy but blessed life I have. Where to start?

The gym, no, haven’t been there. I need to go though! I have this elliptical pedal thing under my desk and it may sound silly but it saves me! And it keeps my legs from being stiff. I am glad I have it. I am also looking forward to being glad I made it to the gym, whenever that happens again.

Honestly, I have school, work, my boys, my family and my friends but I don’t have time for everything. I am looking into where I can fit in the gym next semester. I also have to keep pushing to graduate with honors! LOL It will be an amazing feeling to wear those gold ropes again!

Being back home really has proven to be a blessing. The schools are just as great as everyone said and I can’t thank my friends enough for their advice! I love how happy my son is! The theater program is great and they really care about these kids. They value my son on his own merit. I love seeing them talk to him and they are never looking around to see where his dad is. Yes, he has to prove himself entirely on his own merit but he is going above and beyond on doing that. There is no way to say how proud I am of him and how hopeful I am about his future. If he keeps this up I really think that he will be finding himself introduced to the theater scene in our city sooner than expected!

I am really happy. I know I’ve talked a lot about wanting to find a partner to build a life with but right now, I’m doing just fine building a life on my own. I have been blessed with great friends who really love me and are there for me. My older son comes to see me and now my younger son is between shows at school so I want to find some things for us to go explore together. Who has time for dating?

Soon I have to plan next year’s vacation. I am ready too! Maybe we can get to Myrtle at the end of the summer, that would be a blast! My younger son has been really bummed about not getting to go on vacation this year so I am determined to make it next year. He will get to go to New York at the beginning of the summer, the theater program at his school is going, but he has already told me we need to also go on vacation together. Awe! I feel so loved! 🙂

My son is really proud of me for losing weight. He brags about it and he even is pleased when his friends tell him how young I look and how pretty I am and even that they find me funny or nice. It is great to see him happy and building new relationships. Last night I sat and listened to what I swear is the distinctive lexicon of the city we call home ring through the house thanks to speaker phone and I stopped everything just to enjoy the moment. This is a good life.

Some friends and I went to a really great Halloween festival over the weekend. I had to share pictures! We went as characters from Alice in Wonderland. It was a lot of fun and it was kind of cool to have people stop and ask to take their pictures with me 🙂 I think it was the flower! I’m totally dreaming up hairdos I can use it in! And you may notice the hat is the same one I wrote earlier this year for a different event, just styled differently. I love making costumes, and I love making them as cheaply as possible! Lol
It feels so good to look the way I want to look. But how I feel is even better. Some of the ladies in our group couldn’t walk quickly or far. They ended up going to a bar instead of the party. Going through the crowd I was grateful to be smaller, not running into people all the time. I’m glad to be able to do the things I want to do now. It was totally worth alm the hard work. And it is worth going to the gym today too!

Happy (Nearly) Halloween! – Beans

I had a great weekend but my cold got worse and I spent today home sick. I couldn’t talk earlier and when I coughed it felt like my vocal cords were going to tear. Since then I have gotten some more sleep, drank OJ, sat in the sun, took the hottest bath I could stand and let as much of my head as possible soak, plus taken some decongestant and headache medicine. I feel much more human now. I am about to go to the gym.

I have decided not to focus on losing the little bit of weight I have gained until the semester is over. I will use the winter break to fight that battle. Right now I am just about maintaining. I really and truly am too busy to dedicate the time I need to lose the weight. But I am being careful not to gain more. Except this morning. This morning I had a doughnut. But that’s why they have a gym! 🙂 I am going to try to get into the habit of going on Saturdays and Sundays though. I have to admit I just feel better when I get to the gym regularly.

Jewels is doing good. She’s kind of fighting with time management too. For a lot of the same reasons. School, work, kids, family and friends take a lot of time. Plus dating, here and there. But, we keep saying once we have our degrees we will get back to it. I know for myself it is just a matter of when I have one less priority coming before getting to the gym. Right now, I have one too many things going on. Such is life.

I keep trying to go buy Christmas presents and then stopping to remind myself to wait for Black Friday. That’s my other big self control issue right now! LOL

Too Darn Busy! – Beans

Well, I have lost three pounds. Pretty good given that I can’t get to the gym. Okay, I need to. I am too tired and that would be a lot less of a problem if I made it to the gym every day or two. I guess I need to stop making excuses. There just aren’t enough hours in the day though.
Take yesterday, Wednesdays are good days because I generally don’t have much to do. Tuesdays I spend 13 hours on campus plus another two and a half hours driving to and from campus. So I really don’t even try to fit the gym in. Anyway, I woke up Wednesday morning and headed into work. I got off work and headed home. I got stuck in traffic twice so my drive was about 1 hour and 45 minutes long. I finally got home and sat down on the couch while my son cleaned the living room. Once he was done we went to run errands. We managed to go to two stores, have dinner at McDonald’s and get some frozen yogurt before I hit the wall. I was so tired my son actually volunteered to carry my stuff up to my room for me. The gym? God no! There was no way that was going to happen.

Sometimes I just get worn out. I can’t think straight, I can’t feel straight, I’m tired and I can’t keep going. That was last night. I have to say, it was super sweet of my son to help me out. Normally he throws a fit if I ask him to do something I could do for myself. He isn’t really all that big on taking care of his own stuff, let alone mine. I am so touched that he actually volunteered to help me out last night. I know he was pretty tired too. Of course, I was sitting on the couch and he’s developed this odd obsession with sleeping on the couches rather than his bed. I’m not liking that. Oh well! Teenagers have interesting ways of establishing control in their lives. I prefer sleeping on the couch to a lot of other things. Honestly, he is such a great kid, it amazes me how far he has come.

I also have an ulcer. Yeah. Well it’s been a rough year! I miss and worry about my oldest son. My ex is trying to get custody of my younger son. The summer was bad. All this working and school and driving is what I normally do but there’s just so much added on top of that now. I suppose an ulcer isn’t a huge shock. But it sure does hurt! 😦  I just hope that once this custody thing is decided it doesn’t come back again. I love my son and I totally get why his dad would want to have custody but, I have worked really hard to give my son a great life. I live in a great school district in a very safe area. We have all his doctor’s picked out and his treatment underway. Besides, after going through some really rough times, I think it would be great for both of us to get to enjoy our success together. And I love him, more than I could ever say. When his dad starts saying he has “alleged” issues… no wonder the man doesn’t give him his medication. I really can’t take the risk of agreeing to let him go live with his dad. I hope the court agrees with me… Which is probably why I have an ulcer. It feels like something is ripping a hole in my heart, guess it’s doing the same in my stomach.

I want to go to the gym today. But my mom is coming over to apply for jobs. Because no matter what I say, she refuses to accept that she has to learn to do that on her own. That doesn’t help me feel any better either. Sigh. Oh well. Maybe I can get to the gym after.

Well folks at least I’m eating right! Peanut butter and banana slices on a whole wheat soft taco, awesome breakfast! Tonight I am making apple chicken bake and hoping the cat doesn’t try to eat it this time! Life, I swear!