After being pretty bad about getting to the gym lately I have decided it is time to get serious about getting back into the gym so I have a new workout buddy and we are going to three gym tonight. He promised to get me back on track. I need it!
I’ve spent the last week seriously evaluating my eating habits. I made some positive changes. I’m excited! It is hard to stick with healthy eating habits. But I know I can do this!
Tips to help you change your mind, for good!
I saw this great article about how to change habits, including habits of unhealthy eating and just had to share it! http://themindunleashed.org/2014/03/train-brain-let-go-habits-10-methods-creating-new-neural-pathways.html
Jewels and I are both crazy busy and I am so sorry we haven’t been on here in AGES!
I am still trying to lose ten pounds. Sort of. I should be but sometimes it feels like I can do it any time and I am so busy right now! I still fit in my clothes, mostly, and I look pretty good so… Yeah, I know this slope. I got up this morning and went to the gym. The past couple of weeks I have been going three times a week. I really need to think about what I can cut to get to the gym more. I guess… I really don’t know right now but I will thing of something. I got a charger for my tablet so I can read while I do cardio again. I need to find the lock for the lockers and just generally get serious about getting in there again.
Part of it is that I know I lost ground. It is SO frustrating. I am embarrassed because I know I can’t lift as much as I could before. I know I can’t do as much cardio as I could before. I really need to refocus on being happy for what I can do rather than worrying about what I think I should be able to do. I guess. One of those pesky habits I have found very hard to kick is beating up on myself all the time. I want to be perfect. I will usually swear up one side and down the other that I don’t and that I know I can’t be perfect but at the end of the day I guess I want to be able to do everything that needs done and I get really angry at myself when I can’t. You would think motherhood would have cured me of that…
Speaking of motherhood… ugh. I think the main source of my discontent for the past several months has been my ex filing for custody. It is breaking my heart. SO much!
20 YEARS?! Absolutely no way!!!
I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that I’m about to tell you that Jewels and I have been friends for twenty years. That ever since our first moment in daycare we have been inseparable. But you are wrong! The truth is, we aren’t actually as young as all that. I know. It’s a shock.
Actually last weekend was our twenty year class reunion. Can you believe it?! It was SO much fun. Jewels may say something about people getting old but I think mostly we’ve only just managed to become real adults. Some of our old classmates might need to drink more water and use a little sunscreen, but I think we all have finally hit our maturity. The again, I have no intention of being old. If for some reason I have to be old, I’ll be old for the last hour or two of my life. Until then, I’m too young to be old!
I was absolutely astounded that people from our school have followed our weight loss! How cool is that? I am touched by the supportive people we were lucky enough to attend school with.
So many people stress over their reunions. Don’t! Go, be nice, have fun, & don’t worry about whether or not everyone likes you. There were people at my reunion who didn’t speak to me. There was one person there that I would prefer to never speak to again. It’s okay! Not everybody gets along! Enjoy the good and let the bad go. Don’t deprive yourself of a good experience just because of a few imperfections. You are going to have imperfections regardless, so at least go ahead and claim the good things too!
Just like me lifting weights at the gym. Sure some days I feel too weak, awkward, or floppy but I’m going to be all those regardless so I may as well also be healthier, stronger and more confident!
About Jewels – Beans
My best friend on earth and beloved dieting, motherhood, childhood, and some day nursing home partner is very sick. She’s all private and stuff so I won’t tell you much but if you all could include her in your prayers and/or well wishes, that would be absolutely wonderful. She is in the hospital but on the mend. Thank goodness someone got her to go to the hospital. I can’t wait to hear that story! One of us will let you know when she is out and home. Should be real soon, maybe today.
I love you Jewels and I miss the heck out of you so get better. We have a 20 year reunion to be at in ten days!!!!!!!! Plus an ENTIRE weekend together!
Getting Better! – Beans
Sure, maybe Jewels was right. Sure, maybe the augmentation resulted in a bigger increase in size than I had anticipated and maybe I have the urge to refer to my breasts as “the twins” but I’m still really glad I did it. I’ll be honest, it’s painful. And they have me wearing this thing to help the implants end up where they are supposed to be that I consider a torture devise. But, in the end, I feel… better. It’s not 100% because goodness knows being blonde with larger breasts, I know there will be days when I just want to smack someone, and it still hurts, and Jewels insists on changing my contact name to Dolly. I’m NOT a genetically engineered sheep, I just have big boobs! 😉 They still hurt a lot, especially the right one, but I figured out that I was wearing a bra two cup sizes too small, which I have to thank Jewels for, and having the right sized bra helps A LOT but the contraption I have to wear causes some pain and the rest is just a matter of incisions take time to heal.
I have to be honest, my diet and exercise, not the best. I’ve only been cleared for cardio for one day, and I had the flu this past weekend and… Okay, I didn’t go to the gym yesterday. I feel bad about it, now. But an old friend of mine invited the boys and me over for dinner with his family. It was one of the rare times I had BOTH of my boys with me. We had tacos and watched a movie. It was a nice evening. Tonight, I will go to the gym! I miss it. I always forget how great it feels to workout until I go and actually do it. But it really does make me feel so much better. I’m honestly a little afraid it will hurt. At least I can take off this insane placement contraption at the gym! That will be lovely!
We aren’t just talking about weight loss here though, or died and fitness, or even weight loss related issues like whether to get a breast augmentation and what is it like if you do get one. We are also talking about life! So I talk a bit about dating, you know, sometimes. Well, I met a guy online. Seemed nice, good job, we had good conversations. We met in person and it was promising right up until… he told me, flat out in those words, that he likes to make fun of stupid people. Yeah… No, that’s not cool. And I think I pretty much said that. His jaw fell open, literally! He was totally shocked I wasn’t cool with making fun of stupid people. He explained he mostly only does it behind their backs… and so on and dig dig dig. It was a total fail. So I don’t want to actually date him. I told him I didn’t think it would work out. So he responds with a text promising to treat me “like a queen” if I “roll” with him. Then he includes, “You won’t get that from anyone else.” Every red flag I have went up at that point. I’m a domestic violence survivor, I don’t mind sharing that, at all, ever. I’m fairly certain he’s aware of that. I read that text and I just haven’t figured out how to respond. Not only is it manipulative but “you will never find anyone else as good as me” is one of the things it seems like abusers ALWAYS say. It is as if they can’t NOT say that in some form or another. When I get a text like that, it’s done dude. It was already done so no loss there but this guy has total foot in mouth disease. He should have just said “I would treat you like a queen, give me another chance” and left it at that. But nope. And I consider that as being God’s way of making sure I exit stage left, pronto! Message received.
Did it! – Beans
Okay so I had a breast augmentation. The first day was very painful. The second day I actually felt good enough to take a shower and go watch a movie in a theater that had recliners. I have to sleep in a recliner for this first week. This is the third day and I feel okay. I have pain but it isn’t horrible. My biggest problem today is being tired and off balance. I don’t know what the final product will look like but so far I am happy. I definitely feel like it was worth it. I am hoping they aren’t too big. Next week I will start trying on my clothes. I’m sure some won’t fit but hopefully most of them will.
I honestly believe that I would not be doing nearly as well if it weren’t for Jon, my trainer. My legs and core are strong enough for me to get around pretty easily. My arms are stronger so I can do some things without engaging my chest muscles. Also, I can feel my chest muscles healing. It makes sense to me that because my chest muscles have become accustomed to healing after a workout they are probably healing more quickly than they would otherwise. Hopefully my doctor will confirm that I am healing well and quickly.
Eating well has been more of a challenge. My mom loves me but healthy eating isn’t her strong suit. I’m going to have to visit the gym quite a bit to make up for this week. It’s okay though. I may even find that I didn’t gain so much once the swelling goes down. I hope!
So far, I believe this was the right choice for me. Hopefully I will continue to feel this way 🙂
Scary and Motivating – Beans
Someone I love very much has put on a lot of weight and developed diabetes. It makes me really scared and sad. I think about how that could be me and I am glad I’ve worked so hard. I’m also angry because she could be me. Why isn’t she exercising? Why isn’t she being more careful about what she eats? It’s a long life. I want her to have a long life. She can’t be comfortable in that body. I know she can’t. And her kids? It frightens me to realize that it could be me. It motivates me to keep going, to stay healthy. It also motivates me to write my book because I really want to help people, to show them that this can be done, and it’s not hard and it doesn’t hurt. It’s actually a lot of fun!
Things are still pretty stressful. I just found out my ex wants custody of our younger son. Figures. I am miserable about it. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t think my ex will make sure he gets the treatment he needs. I don’t think he even really understands the treatment our son needs. I also just moved to one of the best school districts in the state to ensure that my son has every advantage I can give him. It’s dreadful to think about having to only be in his life part-time and to not be able to provide the help and support he needs. I love my kids more than anything else in the world.
I have been getting to the gym more. It feels so good to get in there and work hard! I love feeling my muscles grow. I’ve decided to work on burning fat too. As my muscles get bigger I can tell I need to burn more fat to stay where I want to be. I have big bulky legs, even at my best, and weight lifting makes them bigger in short order. I am feeling it already. But it’s good. 🙂 I love working out too! It is a chance to challenge my body, push myself. And then cardio is my time to just listen to my music and ponder life. I come out of the gym feeling so confident and capable!
Next week is my surgery. Yowza! I wouldn’t have done it if I knew I was going to be spending money on an attorney. But it was already paid for before I found out so I may as well go through with it! I guess it is a good thing though. I was looking in the mirror the other day thinking about it and it’s definitely going to help me feel better, once the pain subsides! LOL I don’t know how I will do with the pain but I’ll manage. I will try to blog about it, for anyone who is considering having the same procedure after they lose weight. My friend S is going to drive me. She is one of the coolest women I have met, second to Jewels of course! She has implants and has been super encouraging.
I’ve mentioned that I struggle with friendships. I think that I have found two true friends recently. S is beautiful, like crazy beautiful, and we have both struggled to make friends. I think she is the sweetest girl. She remembers absolutely everything, which is great because I can’t remember anything! She is very confident and strong too. The other one is my trainer. He is a great trainer, totally outside of the friendship. I have worked with other trainers over the years and Jon beats them all hands down. He’s just more personable and has this way of being a complete pain in the ass and making me push harder without making me feel perturbed about it. Until he has me jumping, that I hate. But hey, I can’t have it all. Anyway, besides being a great trainer, he is becoming my friend. He’s a sweet person and really thoughtful. He’s a lot of fun to hangout with too. I know I can count on him but it isn’t one way either, he asks for my advice and listens to my input on things. I’m really glad to be getting to know both of these wonderful people!
Whatever your goals are, go for them. It feels so GOOD to reach your goals and when you reach one you are so confident it just feels natural to set a new one and go for that. I want to go on Survivor. Crazy, I know, but I really think it would be such a challenge. I don’t watch the show much but they have it on at the gym. I watch it there and think it would be a great chance to push myself. I don’t know about the people involved and all the competition though. I am a pretty likable but driven person, I hope, so I may as well give it a try! I need to get in better shape first (Jon knows and we’re on it) but I hope I get the chance.
Still adjusting – Beans
I have to admit, I workout harder and with more weight when I am working out with my trainer. It is nice having someone there who will keep me from ending up in the hospital, if he can. Sometimes I want to tell him I can’t keep going but I can’t talk anyway by that point so I fight for that last set, the last few reps, I push until I can’t and if I collapse he helps me up and tells me good job. Because he is sweet, when he isn’t busting my ass, and a little crazy like that.
I have gained about six pounds, depending on the day. My weight is changing a lot right now. But my size isn’t so I will take it. My legs are bulking up a little so I need to figure out what to do there. Sometimes I am so stiff and sore. I’ll poke a muscle or rub it just because it hurts in such a weird way. I don’t know, I can’t explain it but it’s cool and odd at the same time. It is a good kind of pain.
I definitely started eating more. I tried not to but I’m starving all the time and I have to be burning more. I’m working to keep eating healthy. With my oldest son moved out and my younger son away visiting his dad, I am sticking to stuff I don’t have to cook. I am clearly more gatherer by nature than hunter! LOL Berries and peanut butter are pretty yummy. Especially with cheese! Salad is always good. Why would I cook? It’s too hot for that anyway.
I am due at the gym now. It is late and I’ve been a bum all day but I am going to go. I just had somethings to sort out in my head today. Then I needed a nap. I want to go, it feels good to work out. Yesterday we did this at home workout that I can do anywhere. It was killer but really awesome. 🙂 Learning to hit the gym has been the best part of this whole experience! Well that and the clothes… and dancing!
Oh, and I quit smoking again. Despite being under a lot of stress right now, it has to happen. My trainer is working me to death and that makes me not really want to smoke. Time to take advantage! LOL
Jewels is still around, just super busy too. I know she’s got my back. Having great friends is one of the best blessings. This week she is taking her oldest daughter to the national dance competition so, “GOOD LUCK JEWELS AND CHEY!” I love you guys! You are family, no doubts.
I’m going to gain weight – Beans
Yep! You heard me right. I am going to gain weight. A lot has gone into this decision. Before I explain myself a little better I want to tell you where I have been in my own head and heart for the last few weeks.
Last week one of the new friends that I have made in the last year send me a text, it started with “Hey Sexy” and continued to tell me we need to get together soon. I’ve already overlooked several similar texts and an overt come-on from my friend, in the last few months. When I got this most recent text I shut myself away in my room and cried a little. I’m sure she doesn’t know how upset she is making me. Don’t jump to conclusions please, I don’t care that she is a lesbian, or bi-sexual or whatever. What hurts me is that of the people I have met in the last year, male and female, my ex-boyfriend is the one who has come-on to me the least. To me, it feels like nobody wants to be around me unless they can have a sexual relationship with me. It isn’t that I haven’t met other people, I have, but the ones that want to hang out with me have all hit on me. I have older friends, like Jewels, who love being around me and don’t have any sexual interest in me at all. I know I’m a cool person and a great friend. I just wish I could meet some new people who agree with that.
I have tried to explain to my ex-boyfriend that I don’t care about dating, I just want to continue to be his friend and I think he would be cool with that but he is out of the country and now that I am getting to know his other friends I’m finding out that he is a liar, a really big liar. It is horribly depressing to me, because I don’t like that he is a liar, especially given what he lied about, but I really did enjoy being around him. Plus, as I may have mentioned, it seems like he’s the only person I’ve met in the last year that values who I am more than access to my body. It sucks. I’m actually hanging out with a couple of his friends sometimes because I don’t think they are interested in me at all. Hopefully that will prove to be right. I’d love to make some female friends but it is so hard. I have always felt like women didn’t much like me. For awhile it seemed like that had changed but all the ladies I’ve met that wanted to hang out with me for the last year, eventually tried to get me to joint them for a threesome, kissed me, started sending me naughty texts or had one of their friends tell me that they were interested in me. Declining to date someone, male or female, seems to result in us not being friends anymore.
All of that makes me horribly sad. I worked out with my trainer on Monday. It was really hard for me to force myself to go to to the gym. I didn’t want to. I spent probably five minutes sitting in my car debating if I should walk into the gym. I almost turned around and went home before I even got there. To be honest. Sure, I want to build muscle and get more toned and be stronger but… I want people to be able to look beyond how I look and actually get to know me.
I know it sounds really stupid (which my ex pointed out to me) for me to bitch, moan, whine and cry about all of this. It sounds conceited. I say I hate it, but I talk about it all the time. Well, it bugs me all the freaking time! It hurts, it sucks and I absolutely HATE it. Oh, and I’m having a breast augmentation because I can’t stand how they are right now. I’m already a 32DD (which looks way smaller than it sounds) so goodness only knows how big they will be after. Even Jewels doesn’t understand why I am having an augmentation instead of a lift. Because I am scared of a lift, I don’t want those scars, I don’t want pieces of me removed. Just fill em up and call it a day please. 🙂 I wish it didn’t mean I would have bigger breasts but it is what it is and out of my choices that is the one that I like the best for me. But I am not looking forward to adding that into the mix because I’m scared of what the reaction will be. I’m afraid things will be worse.
but…
I love me. I love how I look. I love the idea of looking better. Not for anyone else, nobody else needs to approve of me and if all they like is how I look then I have no use for them anyway. No, I just want to be happy with my body. It isn’t even about looks. I want to be capable and independent. And I want to get stronger. My mom can barely walk. I want to be able to walk, jog, run, swim, bike, ski, blade, skate, scuba, anything I want to do, when I am her age. I don’t want to age into a body that is neglected and mistreated to the point that it becomes a prison! God no! Please no! Judge me, hit on me, make me feel like a freak whose looks make whatever is within her completely and utterly pointless because nobody can get past the cover, I don’t care so long as I can be strong and independent for as long as possible and so long as I feel comfortable in my own body!
That is why I am going to gain weight. I’ve gained 8 pounds so far. But I am still a size 4. With all the weight lifting I am doing, I started gaining weight. I knew I would but I figured I would just lose an equivalent amount of body fat. Wcll… I like the size I am. So, I realized that because the muscle is more dense, resulting in the same weight takes up less volume, either I will have to get smaller or I will have to gain weight. I just realized that today and I decided that I would rather gain a little than become smaller. So, I am going to gain some weight, but it’s all going to be muscle. 🙂
As for the temptation to give up and go back to hiding behind too much weight? Nah, I’m not a quitter like that. I’ve got Jewels and all my other friends and, over time, I will make more. Just like anything else, it takes time and not being willing to give up!
I hope all of your are having a great day!
Love you! – Beans
I want to invite all of you to watch a video about the movement to love our bodies as they are. Maybe it seems really strange that I worked so hard to change my body but I support the movement to consider every body beautiful. Well, I am as capable of loving my body now as I was before. I actually had to love myself as I was before I could lose weight. I had to know, for myself, that I wasn’t losing weight to fit some social standard but rather for reasons that were true to myself. I lost weight because I didn’t feel like myself, I couldn’t do what I wanted to do and I wanted to protect my independence and ability to rely on myself. I also felt like the weight was a reflection of something I had overcome. It needed to go. However, I truly believe that confidence and feeling at home in your own skin is the true source of beauty. So whatever is right for you, is what is beautiful. My “not me” could be your absolute perfection.
I just hired a personal trainer to help me meet my next goal of building muscle. I don’t want to be a body builder (he is) but I do want to be stronger and hopefully add some tone along the way. I think that it’s about independence for me. I want to know that I can take care of myself, move furniture around, lift heavy boxes, whatever it is that needs done so that life can go on, I want to be able to do that. I won’t lie, I think I’ll look better, but in my mind, I am a person who is self-reliant, so maybe that’s part of why I think I will be more “right” looking. I don’t know, but I do know that I’m excited! After losing the weight and then keeping it off, I am ready to take on the toning challenge.
I didn’t actually plan on hiring a trainer. My ex bf’s friend is a trainer, and a bodybuilder. I asked him if he could show me how to use the weight towers at the gym and refresh my memory about how to use free weights. He said sure but he’d also like to talk to me about personal training. I told him that I am pretty anti personal trainer but he could practice his sales pitch after we worked out. About halfway through the workout I realized I was totally going to hire him. He taught me new ways of working out that are much harder, and I think much better, than the typical machines. Plus, he’s really a cool person. I told him straight up, nothing we talk about workout wise, and especially body image wise or my tendency to drop things or trip over things, goes back to the ex. As far as the ex is concerned, I’m awesome in every way when I am working out. Or better yet, just don’t talk about me working out at all. 😛 I love my ex to death but there’s a reason I wouldn’t work out with him more than once. He doesn’t need to know.
I hope everyone is doing well! I need to get off here and get to bed.
jewelsandbeans 